(rapid gunfire) (bodies and artillery thudding) brains... (cell phone ringing) brains... >> cut! cut! cut! cut! cut! cut! cut! cut! what the hell are you doing? >> huh? (ringing continues) >> why are you saying "brains"? >> oh, 'cause it's a zombie movie. it's like the shyamalan twist. i figured it out. >> this is not a zombie movie. it's a movie about serbian genocide. (ringing continues) >> really? huh... >> you, sir! yes, sir, your phone-- it's ringing! >> oh, yeah. no, i know, but listen, man. if you don't let me answer it and solve my boys' problems, then the phone's going to ring. you can't have it both ways. can i talk or not?

>> yeah, i've got to agree with him on that one, buddy. i mean, you're not being very clear; which is it? >> turn your phone off! you, miss-- don't improvise! let's go! >> okay, you know what? i've had about enough of you dicking me around all day, okay? where is m. night? i have questions for him. >> oh, no. mr. shyamalan isn't directing this unit. this is a simple pickup shot. >> hold on a second. hold on a second. where the hell is m. night? he's not here? >> no. >> what the hell's going on here? >> well, he won't get off his phone, for starters. >> give me your phone, dennis. >> what? >> give me your phone. i heard that. >> no, i'll tell you exactly what's going on. this guy has been treating me like a dick wad all day long, and i don't appreciate it. >> all right, i'm going to fix it, hon. >> thank you. >> fire both of them, i'll take their spot. >> what?! >> done. you're both fired. >> what?! hold on a sec. what are you talking about, frank? >> being an agent is crap. i want to be an extra, lay around doing dick. >> great. both of you, get your shit out of the tent. get out of here. >> all right, fine. hey, give me my phone back, frank. just to be clear, pal, i don't care about any of this. i got my own thing going on, so... (dee whimpers) >> i just gave you the old shyamalan twist. >> ah, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but i'll tell you what. i don't care, either.

>> all right, what do i do? >> hey-oh! hey! where is he, dude? where's night? we got it! we got it! >> dude! dude, we totally got it. brace yourself! brace yourself! crime stinks: the smell of penetration. >> he "nose" the truth. >> oh, okay. >> get it? >> yeah, i get it. >> you get it? >> yeah, i, i get it. now, there is a lot going on there with dolph. >> we had to make some artistic compromises; i think we're good with the body. >> yeah, but it's a lovable character, it's a lovable guy. you know, these are good compromises. bottom line-- m. night's going to love it, so where is he? >> yeah. >> night, uh, well... >> oh, he's not here. >> jesus christ, dee, what happened to you? >> he brought in a b-team or something like that, covered me all in blood. that slumdog bastard twisted all of us! >> oh, shit, dude, we need him to execute our script. >> yeah. >> actually, you guys don't need shyamalan to execute your script. because i've got the mother of all shyamalan twists in my hand right here. you see, you think i've just been playing with my phone the whole time, but you're wrong. i've been writing a little movie script of my own. and i finished it right before

you guys called. it's a horror movie about two men trapped in a garage stairwell, who get hunted down by a psychotic homeless killer... who turns out to be a security guard instead. >> that's our story, dude. >> damn right it's your story, and that's why you two guys are going to be attached as producers. >> nice, baby! >> producers! all right! i feel like-- i'm a natural-born producer. >> i love showbiz, dude. >> uh, can i be in it? >> uh, you know, normally, dee, i would take this opportunity to insult you, but i'm going to throw an insane twist your way. you're going to be the lead of the film. >> i am, really?! >> no, you're not. twisted again. boom! try and keep up. lot of twists. lot of twists in this thing, so try and keep up. >> there's so many twists, i can't even follow it. >> it's tough to follow. >> all right, i'm going to pull up the first scene right now, so you guys can get a little taste of what else is going on in this film; it's really good. >> yeah, lay us on it. lay us on it. >> for some reason, the phone is frozen and i'm having a little trouble pulling up the scene. it's frozen. and why is there grease all over...? is this frank's g... goddamn sausage grease?! frank, you froze my phone with your sausage greasy fingers!

frank, you son of a bitch! (dramatic music plays) (rapid gunfire) (bodies thudding) >> cut! cut! for the love of christ! >> july 11th, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the dilley show with jon stewart -- the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the show. my name is jon stewart. boom! we got a good one for you tonight. tonight's guest, dennis leary will be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause)

>> jon: monday denis leary, thursday sergeant first class leroy petry who is going to be receiving the medal of honor, one of the only living members of the military to receive it since the vietnam war, leary on monday, maeld of honor winner on thursday. it will be, the largest character gap we have ever had. (laughter) >> between guests. denis was wondering how i was going to get him today. anyway, took last week off. and had a great vacation. went away completely unplugged. no news, no tv, threw my cell phone in the ocean which caused some problems later but at the time felt pretty great. so let's plug back in, what i did miss? >> the president is worrying that we have just nine days to raise the debt ceiling or risk default. >> the numbers of jobs created last month, just 18,000, that's 100,000 fewer than expected. >> investigators say 80% of

atlanta schools cheated on state standardized tests. >> jon: welcome back. 80%, or i guess as it is known in atlanta, an a! perhaps no sound bite better summed up, though, the more as that we now find ourselves in more than this one. >> hollywood holding nothing back. ashton kutcher tweeting oj simpson finds this verdict outrage us. -- outrageous. >> hollywood not holding back. i don't want to say anything but isn't limiting yourself to 140 characters the definition of holding back? or is that the extent of the feeling. ashton really wasn't holding back wouldn't we have a link to his tomb beller this is the week we celebrated america's 235th birthday. broke, unemployed shall, endlessly deployed. >> jon, jon, jon, you're

hurting. i know that. >> jon: wow!, john oliver, how did you get here? >> jon, i got here the way the british people who bring comfort have traveled for hundreds of years. a magic cloak and umbrella. that is how i got here. (applause) >> how do i get here every day. >> jon: yeah. i guess you saw, i was away for a week, i come back. the news is just bleak and i'm in a bad way. >> i saw that. corruption of your national institutions have got enyou don't, haven't they, chappy? >> jon: only a trusted friend could through perhaps a comparative back and forth put my troubles in perspective. i think that would be -- >> have no fear ♪ ♪ england's here ♪ to make you feel ♪ a ittle etter ♪. >> jon: what, what just happened to your con son ants. >> we took them hem when

we're elping eople. >> jon: that's charming. i think are you in own your head, quite frankly. we have real trouble in this country. >> right, jon, what would england know about a dying empire with rotting institutions. well, let me present you with exhibit a, jon, this is the british tabloid news of the world. 168 years old and at their peak they sold 8 million copies a week. and remember, that's in a nation whose population is only 5 million people. >> jon: actually england i don't think that -- >> that's not the point, jon. the point is as of yesterday it's owner rupert murdoch himself 166 years old, shut it down in disgrace. >> jon: i actually don't think murdoch is -- >> again, that's not the point. >> jon: all right (laughter) >> the point is, do you know how hard it is to disgrace a british tabloid, jon?

the news of the world are the people who hired a private dect tough learn if freddie mercury had hiv, it's true. also the people whose crusade against peta files led to a lynch mob attack. and attacks on the home of a pediatrician. >> jon: well, i could see how you could make that mistake, peta file, pediatrician. so wonderful, your tabloid reporters are scum bags. our real press, our legitimate press is talling down on the job. political coverage is atrocious. they weren't just covering the casey anthony trial. they funded it, look at this. >> the anthony family is paying for casey's defense. in part, her lawyer says, with money from licensing home videos and family photos to abc news and other media outlets. >> what we believe is a $200,000 payment that was made to her and her attorney by abc news when this first broke. >> jon: abc news, $200,000. and that was apparently only after she turned down abc's

offer to be their next bachelorette. so that is where we're at. what did news of the world do? >> well, compared to that, i guess, i guess not much, jon. >> jon: right. >> jon, this. >> the paper hacked voice-mail of the families of britain's soldiers killed in iraq and afghanistan. >> jon: wow!, why would they even -- >> i don't know, jon, perhaps the same reason they also did this. >> staffers with the now-defunct nuptially tried to hack into the phone of 9/11 victims. >> jon: suddenly we're on a game show. pretty [bleep] depressing. >> it's very depressing. >> jon: why would they need the details of victims of 9/11. >> well, neighbor might sell one or two extra papers, jon. but the real cherry on this [bleep] sunday was the case

of poor milly dowler, a missing 13-year-old girl that had britain riveted. >> during the period of time when she was missing the news of the world were using a private investigater to listen her voice-mail. >> jon: to help in the search for the -- >> maybe, maybe, jon, but just to be sure, let's check. >> the voice-mail box of milly's phone filled up. the news of the world were hungry for more information for more stories so they intervened and deleted the messages. >> jon: i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. >> but let's be fair to them, jon, no harm, no foul, right? >> they intervened and deleted the messages. >> that gave her family and police hope that she was alive. milly was later found murdered. >> jon: why didn't the police -- >> the police that is a good question. why didn't scotland yard stop them. maybe it had something to do with this. >> routinely, the news of the world was paying at least some police officers

at scotland yard. [bleep], [bleep]. >> yeah. >> jon: oh jesus. >> jon, do you want a snack taver doodle. they're very bland. >> jon: can't your prime minister or anybody -- >> the prime minister, the prime minister, is that what you are talking about, david cameron, the prime minister. >> jon: yes. >> leader of new england. >> jon: right. >> a funny story about him, jon. the former editor of the news of the world, andy coulson, the one who preside at the paper, some of its most egregious hacking scan will das and resigned in disgrace was hired by none other than than, wait for it, you're going to love it. >> jon: no, no, no dot. >> yes, david cam'ron. >> jon: no, [bleep] oh my god, my balls just crawled back up into my body. >> oh, god! >> jon: why would they do that? oh, you people are gar badge. >> yes, yes! yes, we are. >> jon: are you terrible

people. >> yes! an jon, the truth is, it only ended now for the brave ree of one person. >> jon: who? who is this most brave and valiant brit who? >> well, this individual, jon, went undercover wearing a wire. >> jon: incredible. who is the most virtuous person in all of england. >> i'm about to give you a shouting fraudergasm. jon, may i, jon, may i present to you the hero of the story. >> hugh grant was the celebrity victim of the phone hacking and he even wears a wire to secretly tape a conversation -- wear a wire with a conversation with a former news of the world journalist who admitted to hacking's people's phones. >> that's right, the guy who got car head from an l.a. rose prostitute is now the moral compass of my nation. (laughter)

so let me ask you this. let me just ask you this, jon. do you feel any better about america yet? (laughter) >> jon: you know what is weird. >> what. >> jon: i actually do. >> that's good. >> jon: i feel kind of good now. >> and that means that my work here is done. >> jon: you're not buying, you're just walking on my desk. we'll be right back. you're not crying.

♪ [ male announcer ] every day thousands of people are switching from tylenol® to advil. here's one story. my name is tanya and i am from chicago. i'm a mom of 3 daughters. pan can really put a kink in my day and i turn into grouchy mommy.

i used to take tylenol and now i take advil and i like it. it's fast and it's reliable. my family needs me and i need to be there for my family. [ male announcer ] make the switch. take action. take advil®. >> jon: there are some wars, there are some wars so grisly and heartbreaking that nobody wants to talk about them. >> birds all over america are dying. baffling scientists. but now george ep fenway of the american bird conservancy thinks the reason could be in our own backyards. >> cats. >> cats? >> yes, cats kill hundreds of millions of birds. >> is this why birds are so angry? (laughter) >> i think actually the majority of birds are actually more fearful of

cats because cats are superpridd ters, especially when it comes to birds. >> so i reached out to the cats. but they would only speak to me through their moneyed lobbyist. >> cats are part. ecosystem and they are not the real threat. there is pollution, there's urban sprawl, there's development, and there are other birds that kill birds. >> so there's bird on bird violence. >> absolutely. >> there is some bird on bird violence, hawks kill birds, things like that. but that's natural. those relationships between different kinds of birds have evolved over a millennia where cats are not native to the united states so cats are like immigrants. cats are definitely immigrants. >> immigrants who are more than happy to lie around and take handouts when they are not committing crimes. >> they made their home here and that's something that has to be accepted. >> if you own a cat, keep it

indoors. unowned cats need to be captured and removed from the environment. >> they were stirring arguments. but one thing still troubled me. >> why do we care about birds again? >> we care about birds because they're good for us. >> do we really need hundreds of millions of more birds. >> yes. >> have you ever been to new york city. that place is covered in bird [bleep]. >> but for people like lala wilds who loves cats and bird approximates, this intractable war has been devastating. >> you know, if i had to make a sophie's choice of cats or birds, i am going to have to take cats. >> you know sophie's choice, i think originally that's what it was about, to choose between a cat and a bird. >> fortunately it doesn't have to come to that. there was help in the form of animal planet's cat whisperer jackson gal axy. >> we could start directing that impulse towards more

appropriate victims, you know, like toys. >> okay. >> now we have two types of toys, right this is what we would call an interactive toy. look at that, see. >> wait, just stop for a second. you carry around a guitar case. >> yeah, i do. >> even are you embarrassed about being a cat whisperer. you just want people to think are you in a -- >> but lala's cat didn't get the message and continued to defiantly hunt birds. >> since no outside mediator could bring peace, there was one last option. >> cat whition perer there is only one way to end this conflict. they have to talk it out. cat, bird, you have to talk this out. we'll be back. >> oh, come on, are you

kidding me? the bird didn't even want to make a deal. he just takes off, just flew a what. why didn't you stay with him. >> it wasn't a talking thing -- >> what did you say to him? why did he take off? >> and so sadly the war rages on

>> my guest tonight, comedian and agenter denis leary, fx returns for its final season this wednesday. >> listen, you have really great legs. >> uh-huh. >> really. >> yes, really. and they are just kind of -- >> what 1234. >> curley. >> what? >> what are you talking about. >> they also look, they look great on a man. >> okay. i've been around long enough to know that's not where you

girls, you didn't start talking about my legs just all of a sudden. >> jon: please welcome back to the program denis leary. (cheers and applause) >> hi [bleep] (cheers and applause) are we going to stand. >> i will sit down. >> you know that you are an -- you can write a book, [bleep] let's go, let's do this. >> by the way, it's petri, congressional medal of honor. >> did you look that up. >> you called him petry like he is rob petry. >> not when a retape it. >> [bleep] do it right. >> but you try to pass yourself off as this big political, you know, hot show daily everybody comes to your show every day to find out smart information. the truth is the point of reference is the dick van

dyke show, monty python. >> jon is not read a single one of these books. he doesn't read my books. he doesn't even read the real books. the information is passed to him by all the smart women who work backstage. (cheers and applause) >> tell me, tell me. >> what! what do you want? >> jon: how are things in the world of fake fire fighting? (laughter) >> --. >> jon: i heard are you going to the smithsonian s that true, your character going to the smithsonian, is that true. >> my character is being inducted into the smithsonian institute on thursday. >> jon: why? why is that happening? >> jon, this is the same question i am going to ask the smithsonian people on thursday. >> jon: how do they let you know, you just get a letter, this is a fund-raising scam, how much money does it cost you. >> you get -- listen if i could have paid my way into the smithsonian i would have done it years ago. you can't. they just put you in. i don't know how it happened. i done even know -- i think they actually think it is

dafoe. they think dafoe plays the guy so when i get there on thursday they will get a good look and go way wait a minute, we thought you were the platoon guy and -- but i don't know how it happens. but we're going in there. >> jon: what are you going to donate, do you have to donate something? >> they ask for something so it is tommy gaffein's helmut and bunker jacket is going in. >> jon: did you tell them you bargain with them or just all right, like what did you -- >> you know, what do you say to the smithsonian, you say okay. >> jon: i say you give me that you give me [bleep] archie bunker's chair. you don't just hand it over. what kind of a schmuck are you. >> that is what the jewish guy does, you bargain. (applause) within the irish just goes like really, i'm going in. i get a trip to washington? >> jon: can we drink on the bus. >> exactly. >> jon: you know what, honestly, one of the things -- >> my cocreate certificate going too, one of the first

things we said is let's get a list of the ted kennedy, the bars he used to go to and go on a ted kennedy tour because we're low rent irish. >> jon: do you think he used to go to -- when he was on this show, god rest his soul, before he passed away. >> he came on this show. >> jon: he stlutly did. he brought me the little ducklings book for my kids. go back to see him in the green room, this is true, he is back there, pants on, but he's in the green room digging through that little gift basket and he finds the vodka because you know we put vodka in there and he literally does this, when i walk in, this is what i see. (laughter) >> jon: but it -- it was like a cartoon. he just looked up and went yeah! >> and you know why he made that sound. >> jon: no. >> because i know the vodka you give away on this show. because i've been here many times. let me finish, let me finish, i want to say something, jon gives away the potato vodka, isn't it, potato based vodka. >> we give away whatever

people give to us give away. >> here is the thing. >> i'm middleman. >> okay, potato based vodka and the thing for irish guys is we are always amazed. we can't believe that we had potato as for years we didn't invented potato vod gentleman -- vodka so when we found out it, every time we see it we're like whoa! ma, ma! this used to be potatoes. (laughter) >> then the famine would have had a whole different element to it we're out-of-food and booze, god dammit what are we going to do. i got to admit, as a group man i think when i find potato vodka i think was about 20 years ago, when i found out about it took me years -- i don't think i'm over it yet. >> jon: usually you let stuff fall. >> i do. but potato based alcohol, that's pretty big. >> jon: we're done,. >> this is the last season, it starts --. >> jon: you finished it like five years ago and now you're just airing it. didn't you come on like two years ag